April 3, 2016 – Helena, Montana

Has it been a year and a half…?

My father would be ashamed. I’m thinking about anything other than the lyrics on the projector screen. Anything to shield my ears. Nice church, though. New. Welcoming. My new hosts are to my right, singing along to God-knows-who.

Forgive me lord, for I am a harsh critic.

I shake hands with some nearby people, who appear to be very friendly. I say hello to a new acquaintance whom I met at dinner the night before, moments after my arrival in Helena. My thoughts then drift to that evening, in which I met my hosts and a number of missionaries that accompanied them to the Philippines recently to do God’s work. It was a nice first supper, followed by reflections on their trip – a group conversation that took up most of the night. Interesting and all, but should I be involved in such an intimate discussion?

The pastor begins his sermon. I’m listening, but I’m also reliving the spectacular drive here from Iowa. Through South Dakota, the northeast corner of Wyoming, then along the southern portion of Montana. He makes points about being present in a world where distractions abound. Paying attention to friends, to loved ones, to God. Severing the psychological cord that connects our cell phones to our hands.

Preach, brother.

This is one of the most beautiful states I’ve seen in my past travels, and I’ve barely scratched the surface. There is work to be done, places to be explored, and relationships to be created. It’s time to seize the day.

Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. – James 4:14

March 18, 2016 – Lutsen, Minnesota

What else can I get rid of?

It’s my last day at the resort, and I’m minimizing my belongings as I load up my car. A welcome and necessary pre-relocating tradition. I add a shirt to the “Goodwill” bag. My time here has come with its share of firsts – residing at a resort, snowboarding, cross country skiing, volunteering at a food pantry, exploring Canada. It will be missed…

But not half as much as the people that live here.

A pair of pants gets tossed into the bag as I wonder who I’ll miss working with the most. Is it the head chef, one of the most intelligent, caring, and gentle human beings I’ve ever met? Or my food and beverage manager – extraordinarily talented, entertaining, and wise? The sassy, set-in-her-ways, ex-cop-turned-server out of Chicago known as “Gramma?”

I place a book into the bag. I could describe the characteristics of the many other individuals who will be missed, such as the fellow bartending, balding Iowan. The hustlin’, no-time-havin’ party boy. The tatted-up, wanderlusting intellectual. Our hilarious, straight-talkin’ Jamaican supervisor. The young, attractive females that hit the slopes with me, explored with me, lived with me.

People from all over the world, all walks of life, all unique in their own way.

It’s the people that make my stays motivating. Memorable.

Meaningful.

I think young people should go and go and go… until life doesn’t let you.” – Gramma Gay

End: Year One, Lutsen, Minnesota

Reflections: 2015.

The most challenging and rewarding year of my life thus far.

The world has opened up to me in a way in which I never knew was possible. Or possibly, I never knew which way to open myself up to the world.

Until now.

Spending time with four hosts across Minnesota this year, I’ve encountered many different people, communities, environments, and feelings. Each time I stop somewhere for an extended period of time, it seems that certain forces try to draw me in. Is it the people? Nature? Myself? God? Regardless, these forces are welcoming. Alluring. Powerful.

When we break the chains that bind us to our conditioned existence, is it truly possible to do anything? To feel comfortable anywhere, with anyone, under any circumstance?

Can human beings be permanently content with a lifestyle that breeds constant change in environment, fleeting relationships, and eternal impermanence? If we leave pieces of ourselves with people and places as we go, can we still feel whole?

I am fascinated by this experience, by this existence. This way of life. It has captivated my mind, given my body a greater sense of purpose, and nourished my soul in a way I can’t describe in words. I feel somewhat enlightened, evolved.

I must continue.

Deciding to pass over North Dakota for now, I begin my time in Montana on the first of April.

Nothing endures but change.” – Heraclitus

December 29, 2015 – Lutsen, Minnesota

What a beautiful woman.

Even if she did just break my six hundred dollar smart phone. Which she will deny. Either way, I’m thankful that the stars aligned in such a way that I was able to have a friend, whom I met earlier this year in Crosslake, become my roommate over the winter. Not that I would be opposed to meeting someone new, but having the opportunity to further our friendship is a blessing.

And so is the loss of such an expensive piece of technology.

Do I really need a smart phone, given my current lifestyle?

How much time do I waste checking my Facebook account multiple times a day?

Watching Snapchat videos?

I have a laptop, GPS, iPod, camera… I think I can live without a smartphone. Actually, I only lived in the world of smart phones for two years before it failed me. Sure, it was extremely convenient to have all of those devices rolled into one, but at what cost? I serve people who sit across from each other at the table, looking down at their devices. Saying nothing. Engaging with no one. I have had to wait for people to remove their phones from the table (directly in front of them) so I could set their food down. That’s how attached we are to technology, and how detached we are from the present moment.

This is the world we’re living in.

Is that the kind of person that I want to be? No attention span, constantly seeking entertainment or information or status updates or funny videos or celebrity memes? Or should I strive to be a person who can muster up enough self-discipline to be whole-heartedly present in the moment when I am spending time with someone that I care about?

Time that so quickly passes us by when our minds are distracted from the present.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” – Buddha

November 29, 2015 – Lutsen, Minnesota

Another holiday sacrificed to humanity in the books.

I’m utilizing the resort’s swimming pool, reflecting on the recent Thanksgiving week. As per usual in the food service industry, I had to work the holiday. It’s only half bad this year, as I took a few days beforehand and made a trip to the twin cities to see family and friends. And attend my first Vikings game. And play volleyball in my underwear at a friend’s apartment’s community pool, apparently.

But let’s not get off topic.

I never really considered missing certain holidays a big deal as an adult, since my extended family stopped getting together for them years ago. Thanksgiving in particular. I always knew that it was disappointing to my immediate family, but they understand, right? After a while, it just became normal for me to be working during such holidays. Looking back, though, I wonder… has there always been more to it than that?

Maybe I’m just experiencing a moment of meditative clarity in the water, but what if I’ve always subconsciously felt a certain responsibility to serve other families during the holidays? Is it any sort of coincidence that even now when I’m not serving my hosts, I’m still serving and taking care of the general public when they’re in my “home?”

Am I just now realizing this due to my new lifestyle?

Lifeguarding, food service, direct care for the mentally ill, health coaching… has my work history helped shape my current path, or is there some sort of innate force that has guided me in my chosen fields of work?

Or maybe these thoughts are an attempt to justify my actions. Justify my choices.

Justify my existence.

Great achievement is usually born of great sacrifice, and is never the result of selfishness.” – Napoleon Hill

November 3, 2015 – Lutsen, Minnesota

Change is hard.

Even for me. This time is different though. Different in a way that’s much too familiar. Too easy. Due to that, I can sense a level of depression building inside. I attribute this feeling to certain factors included in this transition:

1. I’m not staying with a host family for the first time this year. It’s true that I anticipated and planned this necessary break to replenish my bank account and continue my journey, but being here now feels strange. Hypocritical almost. I mean, I’m living in the employee housing area at a resort. A far cry from where I was two days ago. I feel an overwhelming urge to find a volunteering opportunity as soon as possible. Get connected with a local person or family; offer some assistance to someone, anyone.

2. I’m one step closer to leaving behind all of the amazing people I’ve met this year. Not to mention the fact that I’ve grown closer to my family in Minnesota due to spending more time with them this year than in any before it. My heart has grown fond of this state and its inhabitants, and I have plans to leave it all in March.

3. I have a television in my room. I haven’t had this kind of access to the world all year. It could actually be the biggest cause of my depression as of late… I’ll get stuck watching TV, knowing that my time can be better spent elsewhere, but it’s right there and I’ll just have it on in the background, just for the white noise… then three hours go by. Stupid, Nick. You can literally do anything else and be happier with how you spent your time.

4. There’s no real personal challenge here. No spiritual growth in sight. I’ll be serving food and drinks to guests of the resort – a line of work I’ve maintained off and on for the last ten years. Familiar territory.

This is not my first encounter with depression by any means, but it’s of a different nature this time. I’m sure the feeling will pass, but the point is this: one’s environment can have drastic effects on their psychological state. No, this is not news. Most people can even say that they’ve experienced this exact emotion or conflict in relation to certain circumstances. But I doubt most people have experienced a ten-month long endeavor in which they felt their life was more meaningful than ever before, just to come back to a temporarily “normal” existence.

This is my new low.

Without a struggle, there can be no progress.” – Frederick Douglass

November 1, 2015 – Finland, Minnesota

I hate saying goodbye.

So much so that I completely avoid it when I can. Hence, here I am at 8:17am waking up and moving on to my next location without saying goodbye to the naturalists. Without saying goodbye to Sarah.

Yesterday was a blast. The “nats” invited me to a rock climbing session at the environmental learning center, which was followed by attending a “Haunted Hotel” for local kids. A few of the girls (Sarah and two others) were asked to oversee a coloring station and extended the invitation my way.

How could I say no?

After many a bat-mask was colored, we left the hotel and prepared for the evening’s main event: the prestigious Finland Halloween party. My costume was simple, cheap, and colorful – a “True American.” White nursing pants, red McDonald’s shirt, blue cloth cape, plastic American-flag-style top hat, an empty tin can labeled “lard” with a freshly-carved wooden spoon, and the piece de resistance – a mini statue of a bald eagle, strapped down and positioned on top of my shoulder.

‘Murica.

But Nick, wouldn’t that hinder your beer pong game? Well, maybe. But it certainly didn’t stop Sarah and I from mopping the floor with the competition. Which was only a personal highlight. Everything else was great – the wonderful people and their amazing costumes, great food, contests, games… the perfect party. I didn’t want it to end.

And apparently, she didn’t either. When we got back, Sarah asked if I wanted to watch a movie on her laptop. What do I look like, a stupid American? We decided on “The Addams Family.” How appropriate. So there we were, basically cuddled up next to each other on the couch, watching a movie. The perfect end to the night.

But could it be better? Should I take the risk going in for a kiss, or completely avoid damaging a healthy and very welcome friendship? She’s given me no real signal other than being a super nice friend. And she knows what my “plan” is. I’ll be thirty miles away for the next five months… but then it’s on to the next state. Why would she want to get involved? Potentially regrettably, I decide on the latter course of action. I say goodnight after the movie, knowing that it may be the last time I see her.

Nomad world problems.

Unless one says goodbye to what one loves, and unless one travels to completely new territories, one can expect merely a long wearing away of oneself and an eventual extinction.” – Jean Dubuffet

October 18, 2015 – Finland, Minnesota

“Watch out for that rock right there.”

It must be midnight or later, and I’m walking through the woods behind Steven and Damean (my host’s “neighbor”).

Without lights.

The complete opposite environment that we just left – a birthday party at a neighbor’s place (down the road, through some forest, down a hill, up a hill….). This wasn’t your typical birthday party, either. No. There was an old-fashioned cauldron hanging above a fire, warming bear fat that was used to cook homemade doughnuts in. Doughnuts that were then shaken in a bag of real Minnesota maple sugar – “the original shake and bake,” as Damean put it jokingly. From another conversation, I overheard someone ask another, “How are the cities?” to which they replied, “Not as good as this doughnut.”

My God, they were delicious.

Steven knows the land so well that he can guide us without using the head lamps they brought. I’m impressed, energized, scared. Scared at first, at least. Then taken aback as I realize how long it had been since I had done anything like that and how serene it felt. The starlight against the fallen leaves provided just enough light to make out the two men ahead of me.

Part of me wanted to just sit and be still.

After the doughnuts, the hosts offered homemade pizza as well as freshly made ice cream. Made. Fresh. By hand. Two men sat near the fire and played/sang songs featuring a banjo and violin for what must have been over an hour. Are all northern Minnesota birthday parties this incredible?

Steven stops us amidst our return home and turns on his light. He is searching for a knee-high tree along the road that he showed us on the way to the party. He mentioned that he wanted to try to transplant it at his home. The light reveals nothing. Until he turns to his left; there the tree sits, only a few feet away from his initial guess in the dark. Mind blown. Upon arriving home, we three take a moment to observe the stars, noting any recognizable constellations. We end the night with a brief conversation.

Which is also how the party drew to a close – a conversation around a camp-style fire. I mostly just listened and observed, as I tend to do around new groups of people. I don’t recall all of the topics covered, save the discussion about city versus country life. The same girl who made the city v. doughnut jab described her feelings on the matter: “Every time I’m in a city, I feel like I’m dying.”

After experiencing an evening like that, I find it hard to disagree with her.

Country things are the necessary root of our life – and that remains true even of a rootless and tragically urban civilization. To live permanently away from the country is a form of slow death.” – Esther Meynell

October 10, 2015 – Finland, Minnesota

The cowboys must have had it pretty good in those old bath houses…

…I think to myself as I heat up some water for an old-fashioned spit bath. I gather my shaving materials, body wash, and rag (a torn piece of clothing) as I prepare for a long-awaited clean-up session. How long has it been since I bathed at the Abazs farm? Over a week now? I would probably wait longer to do this if I wasn’t meeting up with one of the female naturalists that I met last month to go hiking relatively nearby. I begin soaking my skin with the hot water.

How long could I go?

I mindlessly apply shaving cream to my neck and head whilst questioning the necessity of bathing daily, as I would when I was living my “normal” life in the city. How much water and energy could we save if we bathed every over day? Every three days? Then I wonder about the point in time in which our society decided that we should bathe every day. Maybe when we had the luxury to do so? I remember Lise saying, “We use what we have available,” but then I stop my thought process before I get depressed.

Back to Sarah. My current motivation to get clean. I begin the shaving process as I revisit our first encounter- a social gathering during my time at the farm last month. We played a drinking game known as “True American,” a game involving trivia, ground-is-lava rules, and many other shenanigans. As participants move around the room, passing each other, I found her at a point and took an immediate liking. We henceforth bent one of the rules for the remainder of the game, and before I left, I made it very clear that I was fond of her in a way.

Booze-induced confidence.

Either way, I find myself being thankful for having a friend to visit in such a remote area in which I never expected to have the luxury. I’ll gladly give up running water for that. It is true, however, that if it were a man, I may not have shaved. Or bathed. Or put on fresh clothing.

The power of a feminine presence is astounding.

All places where women are excluded tend downward to barbarism; but the moment she is introduced, there come in with her courtesy, cleanliness, sobriety, and order.” – Harriet Beecher Stowe

October 8, 2015 – Finland, Minnesota

Let it go, let it go…”

I can’t help but laugh out loud as I hear Genavive recite the infamous lines from the highest grossing Disney movie of all time. Should’ve been The Lion King. Amelia says that Gen saw the movie a year ago on a train, and I’m not at all surprised that the song is still in her head. The laugh is bittersweet, however, as it also reminds me of my time spent with Syr, who is around the same age. She would watch two minutes of that song (in video format, on a smart phone) almost every night while she brushed her teeth.

That’s right…these days, the all-powerful Disney can even reach young girls that don’t have televisions in their homes.

As I’m babysitting Gen and Galvin, I’m again reminded of my experience with Syr. Without an idiot box and/or game systems to act as a babysitter, children are forced to use their own imaginations and be creative if they want to entertain themselves. Syr and I would make up games and build things with whatever we could find around the house. I imagine the same thing happens here.

I can’t remember exactly what I had when I was their age, but I do know that the aforementioned technologies entered my life somewhat early on. Seeing how these other families operate, I wonder what kind of effect these absences would have had on my life?

What effect will it have on their lives?

I can only assume that in lieu of such time-sucks, these children will be taught valuable life and survival skills. As they grow, they will most likely practice and master such skills. Building structures. Working the land. Hunting for food.

Living a more realistic fairy tale.

If it keeps up, man will atrophy all his limbs but the push-button finger.” – Frank Lloyd Wright