Posted on February 9, 2016
July 4, 2015 – Crosslake, Minnesota
It’s moments like these that can make a man question everything.
Syr is laying on the dock next to her uncle Theo (Mari’s brother), watching the fireworks exploding all around the lake. Mari is there, along with her and Theo’s parents. The whole family. It feels wholly American – sitting on a private dock on a beautiful property, getting the family together, and watching the myriad fireworks throughout the night. Old Glory is waving to us at the end of the dock.
Truly a Kodak moment.
We decide to move to the porch due to the mosquitoes. I feel like I’m watching a movie as Syr and Theo play with his dog. Like a chain reaction, her happiness spreads to everyone around her. I look to Mari and wonder how she must feel at times like this. It may be the first time that I’ve witnessed Syr together with her entire immediate family, and it nearly brings tears to my eyes. They may not be the perfect family, but it is a perfect moment. And they’re sharing it with me.
My family isn’t “perfect” either, but it’s at times like these when I wonder what kind of psychological damage they go through during the holidays. I can’t remember the last time I watched fireworks with my dad. Age eighteen, maybe? Both of my primary lines of work have made it extremely difficult to get together with family for holidays.
This new lifestyle certainly isn’t going to help that matter.
Am I doing the right thing? I’ve never been happier, but what about my family’s happiness? Will I regret spending this much time away from them after they’re gone?
I glance around the room one more time before heading to bed in an attempt to instill this precious moment into my mind.
“I am of the nature to grow old. There is no way to escape growing old.
I am of the nature to have ill health. There is no way to escape ill health.
I am of the nature to die. There is no way to escape death.
All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them.
My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions.
My actions are the ground upon which I stand.” – Thich Nhat Hanh
Posted on February 1, 2016
June 27, 2015 – Crosslake, Minnesota
Finally. My first “napkin number” as a server.
It’s sad to admit, but yeah, it just now happened. I’m 29, and I’ve been in the industry off and on for about ten years. Must be the arm hair. Or the male pattern baldness. Or the combination of the two. Maybe it’s just the area I’m in during this time of the year, but I can’t remember the last time I’ve been hit on this many times.
(No, I’m not trying to brag, and yes, there is a relevant point.)
Rewind to a couple years ago when I had my own place. Check. College degree. Check. Nice furniture. Big television. New car. Check, check, check. I created a nice little world for myself, but I was missing something. Someone. After all, how can I be happy without having someone to share this with? I was 27 and ready to settle down.
But even before that, I always felt incomplete when I was single. Why do we feel this way? Familial pressure? Societal pressure? Advertising? I know it’s in our nature to seek companionship, but there is a line when it comes to how much we should focus on it.
And I used to cross that line on a nearly daily basis.
But then a change occurred in me. I started traveling a lot. Nomading around. As I spent more and more time away from the little world I created for myself, my focus began to shift. Less focus on accumulation, more on experiences. Less about me, more about others. In turn, I became more comfortable with myself. More comfortable in being alone.
I decide to meet this woman for a drink. I haven’t been on a date in God knows how long…besides, what could it hurt? After some conversation and another drink, it’s fairly obvious that we currently have about zilch in common. She just bought a property. I’m looking for a wannabe gypsy. Let me rephrase that. I’m open to meeting someone. No longer am I seeking her out. No longer am I beating myself up over blown opportunities. Failed relationships. On the contrary, I’m thankful that they didn’t work out.
Because if one did, I might still be stuck in my little world that I created for myself.
“If you cannot find a good companion to walk with, walk alone, like an elephant roaming the jungle. It is better to be alone than to be with those who will hinder your progress.” – Buddha
Posted on January 15, 2016
May 31, 2015 – St. Paul, Minnesota
Has it been five months already?
Tonight is my last with my first hosts, and the feeling is bittersweet. I’m afraid Mari and Syr have set the bar a bit too high. They’ve shown me the undeniable strength it takes to be a successful single mother, taught me the true meaning of patience, and embraced me as if I was one of their own. How will my future hosts measure up to this experience? These last five months have been the most transformative of my adult life. With so many changes happening inside me, it’s hard to imagine a future experience that will be more memorable.
I hit a financial low point and have never been more comfortable with it.
I became more open to opportunities.
I had my first real babysitting experience.
I grew closer to my own family in Minnesota.
I influenced others to make changes in their lives.
Due to these transformations, however, I will now be more open to continuing that exact process. Like a virus mutating cells, my typical thought process has been disrupted. Alternative ideas have emerged and replicated. Each new environment will pave the way for further contagion.
The host cell has been infected, and there’s no cure in sight.
“Without growth people atrophy: we waste away, and in a meaningful way we die inside.” – Ryan Nicodemus and Joshua Millburn
Posted on December 28, 2015
May 18, 2015 – St. Paul, Minnesota
“I wish you’d park in front of your own %&$#ing house…”
…the neighbor across the street says to me earlier in the year. We have to park on the street due to limited alley space, and it never occurred to me that it mattered what side I parked on. Is it that big of a deal to walk another three steps to your house?
I turn around and look at the guy. “Really? It’s cool man, I can move it.” I move my car to the other side of the street and dwell on this encounter throughout the day. Maybe even a few days. I tell Mari about it, to which she seems a bit surprised. The moment passes, but the feelings remain.
I avoid any sort of contact with this person from here on out. When Syr and I play outside, we don’t wave at them. They don’t wave at us. The whole thing is a bit off-putting.
Until a few days ago.
I come home after work and park on “my” side of the street, which I always do now just to appease the guy. Funny, how territorial humans are. The neighbor approaches me, and I’m not sure what to think.
Then he hits me with it. “Hey man…I’ve been meaning to talk to you for awhile about what happened. I was going through a rough time…my father had just died from cancer and you just caught me at the worst time.”
My heart sinks.
I immediately apologize to the guy for what happened to his father and ask him not to worry about the incident. He thanks me in return for accepting his apology and we shake hands. Now I feel bad for being mad at the guy for so long. I wonder how he feels, getting that off of his chest.
We need to realize that sometimes people might just be going through difficult times in their personal lives. Even though they may direct their anger at us, it may just be that they are failing to properly deal with an emotion, a thought, or an event. This does not make them bad people.
It makes them human.
“To err is human; to forgive, divine.” – Alexander Pope
Posted on November 21, 2015
April 23, 2015 – St. Paul, Minnesota
“We decided we would rather trim all of the superficial garbage because not only is it emotionally freeing, but it frees you financially to live the way you want.”
Words of wisdom from my younger, smarter, and stronger sibling’s husband. The three of us had a lengthy Skype session recently, and in turn I discovered that my sis and her husband were going through a similar transformation process. Their first step was downsizing their living space, realizing that they were inhabiting a house that was “much larger than necessary.” I saw it in person last year, and would definitely concur.
“We started purging things we didn’t need and the more we got rid of things… we started feeling, in a sense, more relaxed and free.”
Though I would love to take full credit for influencing their change of perspective, many sources of inspiration are out there on the interwebs and other telecommunication mediums. “The Story of Stuff” is one in particular that my sister credits for opening their eyes, so to speak. Regardless of what the initial source was, I’m just extremely happy that they became inspired enough to take action.
“…we had to act. You cannot live life just being inspired, you have to act and live out that inspiration. It is amazing what we have just begun to dive into and how much happier we are realizing that cutting ‘needs’ and expenses can make us. When you cut out the unnecessary and focus on the core of your life and what you want to get out of life – that will lead to more freedom and happiness.”
I couldn’t have said it better myself. Due to focusing on what I want and taking action towards it, I stumbled across an amazing idea. An idea that has renewed my faith in humanity, brought me closer to myself, and encourages me to look forward to my future more than ever.
“Most of all, you get time. Time for doing whatever you want.”
Amen, brother.
“It’s what you do in your free time that will set you free – or enslave you.” – Jarod Kintz
Updated on November 9, 2015
April 15, 2015 – St. Paul, Minnesota
Ripple effect: a situation in which one event causes a series of other events to happen; a spreading, pervasive, and usually unintentional effect of influence.
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Syr is running through the house in circles, chasing after her new friend of similar age. They just met an hour ago, but they seem to really be hitting it off. Jumping on Mari’s bed, playing with toys, and touring the house preceded this seemingly endless foot race.
Could this be the beginning of a life-long friendship?
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The new tenant begins moving his things into Mari’s basement, which has been humanless since the old renter left. No more extra freezer space for us, I guess. He brought a friend to help him move his larger furniture, which must be a struggle to get down the tight, steep staircase. There is a young girl trailing along – his friend’s daughter.
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I go over my list one more time to ensure that I have everything for the basement work. Window crank, carpet cleaning machine, closet door rollers…
I’ve been spending more time down here recently, as Mari is trying to find someone to take over the lease from the old tenant. I imagine it could be a tough sell with a three-year-old running around the house from time to time. I hope someone takes it soon…
Wait, I wonder if my cousin would be interested?
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“Having a vested interest in other souls unconditionally creates a ripple effect that produces miracles in the lives of those around us.” – Molly Friedenfeld
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